|
www.StrategiesForSingles.com
A General Theory of Love
with Elizabeth Reid
Elizabeth Reid and Gregg Millett led this week’s discussion using
the book, A General Theory of Love, by Thomas Lewis, M.D. Fari
Amini, M.D. Richard Lannon, M.D.
Elizabeth briefly summarized the concepts from the book and she noted
that this is a brainy book mostly about the brain. But the authors conclude
that our attachments are the most important aspect of our lives. Love,
intimacy and nurturance are of more value to us than the "microwave"
quick satisfactions offered us today’s society. Our brains are organs
set up so that we can relate to each other. Enhancing relatedness enhances
the health of our minds.
Elizabeth offered questions to ponder based on ideas from the book. The
authors explain many of the criteria for enhancing our attachments that
fit with the needs of our emotional brains. In the discussion many of
the ideas from the book came forward from the group. For example, love
takes time and attention -- attention and tuning in may be more important
than "working" on a relationship. Eye contact is a primary method
of experiencing another's emotion force field. Familiar patterns of relating
can be either good or the same old problems coming around again.
First question for group discussion: “When you look into
another’s eyes can you see and feel the emotional force field they
emanate?”
Responses:
Eye contact is important, but general body language is also important.
If eye contact is maintained, it is an invitation to converse.
Conversation my be more revealing than eye contact.
Yes, seeing a person’s eyes – sparkle, sadness, blood-shot
– tells a lot.
Elizabeth pointed out how primary the visual field is to an infant. They
look for their primary caretakers. Patterns of intimacy may be developed
at this early time.
Second question: “Do some people feel familiar to you and
others feel as unknowns?”
Responses:
There are familiar positives and familiar negatives, for example, someone
who feels like an old friend or someone who appears to you to be like
a person who you were afraid of.
Some people felt they were attracted to familiars and others were more
attracted to the unknown.
Elizabeth pointed out that the social mechanisms in our brain are very
sophisticated at sorting out the social landscape. Some people argued
that you can’t make generalizations about a person until you get
to know something about them.
Third Question: “Is love a long-term process. Do you have
to work hard at it?”
Responses:
Relationships do take work and time.
One has to pay attention to grow and change.
Caring and mutual respect are very important.
We’re in an instant gratification society, which puts a strain on
long-term relationships.
The giving and receiving needs to be balanced.
Raging hormones may get things going but communication is central to
long-term relationships.
Some people don’t value a long-term relationship. They like the
excitement of a new relationship.
We’re important to each other; we help one another – being
attached to a partner and to groups gives us a compass.
For additional reading see: The
Subtle Art of Communication by Elizabeth Reid. Elizabeth Reid
has been a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and
Family Therapy since 1978. Her specialty is marriage and couple's therapy.
She has practiced for 29 years, been in the Albany area since 1984 and
in private practice locally since 1987. Mind
to Mind is a series of short papers recently written by Elizabeth.
These papers look at the application of recent brain research to couple's
relating. Further information can be found at Elizabeth Reid's web site
(http://capital.net/~ereid2/).
BACK TO HOMEPAGE
More E-Question Responses:
You can fall in love in a second,but how quick does a
person give up on love. It's a long beatiful thing if two people are committed.
There is nothing better then being in love and having someone with you
and that is what I miss.
I do think it is a long term creative process. Love is like a flower
garden that needs to be weeded and fed and sometimes needs new flowers
planted. Love is that way in that a true relationship needs to be tended
and
nutured. It is easier to fall in love than it is to stay in love (in my
opinion).
I always have to think of my parents and how much in love they were. Now
that my father is gone my mother tells me it wasn't always easy but they
truly loved each other with all their hearts but it took work to keep
their garden growing.
I think that love can be instant, but that it alos changes as we change,
that people can fall out of love either if it's not meant to be or if
they fail
to nurture that love. Afterall "you can't hurry love, no you'll just
have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of giva and take."
Yes, I think love is a process. It strengthens at times and at other
times is just kind of hangs on. It is so much easier to fall in love than
it is
to stay in love.
|
E-Question: Do
you think that love is a long-term creative process?
Send your response to Gregg
Millett
Responses:
Relationships may not be long term, but true love sure
is. I still have love for some who left the scene long ago.
Yes I do and it always take a lot of work from both people and it takes
working together and the results are so wonderful if they both work at
it
I feel that true love is not only long term, it is life long. The things
that two "true partners" create together, are what facilitates
such an unstoppable force. If more people could understand this concept,
as well as what it takes to make a relationship work, we would not see
the staggering number of failed marriages (relationships) in America today.
At least that is my humble opinion.
Yes, You don't know how many times I just met someone and they immediately
want to know if I love them. I have to say the honest answer is no, I
just met you. The results are predictable. Keep in mind, I didn't expect
them to immediately fall in love with me either, its unrealistic. I do
think attraction happens right away but this is not love yet, just an
opportunity for love. My wife (good marraige, unfortunate accident) met
and agreed to meet again and again.... then got around to the love issue
after we had the chance to get to know each other. Then the answer yes
I love you was well founded and credible.
Yes I do believe that love is a work in progress. Once passed the initial
stage of the excitement and newness of a relationship, one has to continue
working on keeping the excitement always present. If one is comitted to
a relationship, it's not work but rather creativity on the part of each
partner.
It definetly is. My grandfather always said that if he and mom-mom hadn't
worked on it for 49 years they would never have been married for 50.
I'm finding that to be true -- after 11 years we sometimes catch ourselves
taking each other for granted, or even sometimes being so caught up in
our own thing we don't really notice the other person. So we have to consciously
work on keeping ourselves and each other connected. It's work but it's
worth it.
Absolutely yes..........as two people get to know one another then the
things they found or find exciting becomes common place so they must always
be in tune with one another's wishes, wants and desires and strive to
always keep things exciting. Also it's very easy to become too comfortable
with each other where things slip a bit such as behavior, self appearance,
etc......take nothing for granted and always build on what you have but
it "must" be a 2 way street in order for it to be lasting......
I also believe that you have to work on love every single day of your
life. After the first few years when things are becoming a routine instead
of something new and exciting, I believe you have to work every day to
keep things young. Sometimes when your first married for example, your
husband may by you flowers, or maybe tell you every day that you look
nice, after a few years these things may be just taken for granted and
he may not feel like he should have to. That's when it is probably the
most important time to tell her. And that works both ways. It's not just
the man's job to keep the marriage young but also the womans. And I do
believe if things are
like this your marriage should last forever and the love you have for
each
other will get stronger every day.
Yes.....To me, anything in life worth having and keeping
you have to constantly work on and keep in the forefront. Having been
married for nearly 20 years, happily...I know this for a fact, sometimes
you have to work really hard, but it's worth it!
Of course it is if you want your relationship to last.
You have to keep working at it. It has to be on both parties to work things
out by communicating continuously. If there is love but no communication,
then don't expect it to work out. To me the two together are so very important.
You also have to compromise.
Yes I do. It takes a long time to get to know some one. You have to keep
working at it constantly if you want it to work. Fights and disagreements
have to be talked out not ran out on. I have been married almost 20 years
and still finding things new with my hubby. He with me also. But where
there is love anything can be worked out. It is very had to fall out of
love.
Well I strongly believe that love, long-lifetime-lasting love, is definitely
a creative process. A process that you are always tweaking and
fine-tuningI t takes a lot of work and commitment to make love last beyond
the initial excitement and newness, and I firmly believe that it is SO
VERY worth it! I can't imagine a day without my Teddybear, but there were
many times (in the past!) when I actually had to wonder how it would be.
And creativity is important in keeping it interesting in the long-run.
Yes , I believe it is. Love waxes and wains like many emotions. In my
view a relationship is a continous work in progress and the emotion of
Love can either deepen or diminish over time depending on the strength
of the commitment. Just my view. Love needs to be tended too, so yes,
I agree.
Love as an emotion is a fun thing.
Love. as a committed lifestyle needs creative thinking.
Love gets tested.......thats life........Study to pass the test?
Saying, "I love you" is a good start!....meaning it is even
better
How can I say "I love you" in new ways? that's a fun project
BACK TO HOMEPAGE
|