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Satisfying Conversations We started this discussion with the question, “What do you like to talk about?” Topics mentioned as conversational favorites included sports, food, health, travel, psychology, family, children, grandchildren, jobs, movies, pets, the newspaper cartoons, parents’ movie idols, the internet and internet chat rooms, meeting people and forming relationships, current events, pop-culture, politics, religion, the environment, cooking and various hobbies. The hands-down favorite was travel. We then introduced the following concepts that shed light on what makes conversation satisfying (many of these concepts are discussed at length in the book Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel): Caring -- respectful, showing interest, responsive Coherent -- truthful, with evidence, understandable, clear, the full story told succinctly Collaborative – understanding the other person’s point of view Congruent – verbal statements and non-verbal cues match Contextual – external environment and topic match (a romantic beach walk is not where to discuss the super bowl, but it is a place to discuss the moon or sunset.) Contingent – non-verbal cues match and are responded to so that there is a flow in the conversation and each person sense that the other person gets them. (when this happens you feel you’ve met your soul mate). We then had five short conversations (acted out by participants) and analyzed the interaction using one of the C-concepts. In each conversation the participants were given a topic without the other person knowing what it was. The conversation topics were: -- she (children), he (education) -- she (outdoor skiing), he (photography) – she (dog had just died), he (was very excited about a baseball game) -- she (daughter had not come home the night before), he (politics) – she (very upset about a relationship incident), he (oblivious to the person he was talking to). Some of the observations were: So often people don’t really listen to each other. We forget to check out non-verbal cues to see if the other person is getting what we are trying to say. Often it can be difficult to get your point of view across. Some of us listen well but don’t speak up enough for our own point of view. It was interesting for many to realize that collaborative communication means that each person understands the other person’s point of view. The role-plays showed how easily communication is often not well connected and matched. Our final exploration was what people need to do to create more satisfying conversations in their lives. There was a general theme of people feeling that they either needed to listen more carefully or, conversely, that they needed to express themselves and speak up more. Other perceptions were: to be more aware of non-verbal cues, to be more aware of context, to find new conversational partners and to venture into new conversational areas. If it takes you time to get to know people, finding a context where slower paced longer conversations are possible, would help make the beginning of relating more satisfying
A final reflection: Treasure the value of a friend who you can talk to when you’re way, way down in the dumps. This person offers important long-term support if they can listen when things are going badly.
For additional reading see: The
Subtle Art of Communication by Elizabeth Reid. Elizabeth Reid has
been a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family
Therapy since 1978. Her specialty is marriage and couple's therapy. She
has practiced for 29 years, been in the Albany area since 1984 and in
private practice locally since 1987. Mind
to Mind is a series of short papers recently written by Elizabeth.
These papers look at the application of recent brain research to couple's
relating. Further information can be found at Elizabeth Reid's web site
(http://capital.net/~ereid2/).
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E-Question: What
do you like to talk about? “Definitely not the weather! I like to talk about lots of different things -- news items, politics sometimes, when appropriate my kids. I think it's fun to talk about different topics at different times, for example, after seeing a movie I enjoy some conversation about it (both negative and positive). I like talking to someone that can switch from one topic to another with ease.” “For me, the answer to the question varies by conversational partner. With very close friends and some relatives, many topics would be enjoyable. I do crave good conversation with other adults on topics of politics, spirituality, books and work; however, the situation must be a safe one, as those topics can engender some strong feeling. That’s probably the reason I enjoy them -- Passion!” “I like talking about books, philosophy and sometimes small talk about almost anything with the special people in my life.” “I like to talk about experiences -- travel, funny things that happened, etc. -- layering conversations about experiences helps to build connections with others.” |