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Love: The Chemical Reaction

E-Question: There's attraction, sparks fly, you're in love! -- Do you think this feeling comes from a chemical -- drip, drip -- or is it based more on factors like experience, personality, wisdom? Can you control your feelings of love?

Send your response to Gregg Millett

E-Q Responses:

You can't love a stranger...the feelings are nothing more than lust until you get to know the person over a long period of time. And you can fall out of love if that individual becomes mentally or physically abusive. Been there, done that.

Yes, it can be controled at first. But once you both let go of the control. If you both go with its flow, you get lost in love.

No. If you could, it would't be love.

I think it is part of an individual's personality that triggers the feeling "that person's for me". I think chemical and other physical conditions help shape the person's desires. Experience can provide guidance on what is acted on but what the person actually is attracted to is part of their personality and is not subject to change. No, the feeling of love cannot be controlled.

I believe when the sparks fly it's a chemical attraction. Then love grows or it doesn't. A person can control their arm movement, they can control when and when not to physically do something but to control feelings of love? Nay I say. Love is a gift.

I do believe that love is a chemical which is hard to control but you have to use your rational side and not your emotional side if you really believe that you are in love.

For those who fall in love spontaneously I feel may be chemical but some go looking for it and fall in love due to a "want" or "need." I believe it isn't a chemical drip drip so to speak but more of a physical/emotional/intellectual "chemistry."

Initially I feel that an attraction to someone is a chemical/physical one in most cases. If you want to go with the flow there's no need to control the feelings of love. I believe one can control the feelings of love, just like we can control most emotions if we wish to. Example if we find that the initial attraction was one of a physical kind and not all we were wanting, then yes we can control and simply walk away.

I think that wisdom does count in love as does age and experience..and to control it..well I think not

I think in our youth it's all about hormones. As we get older I think our wisdom kicks in. Then we go for personality,compatability and all that.

I think it's mostly down to likes, dislikes and life's experience narrowing down the possibilities of what you're looking for...well that's MY experience. There's less and less chance as I go through life of ever settling down with someone who could make me happier than I am living single. I have met someone I know I could live happily with, but I'm also
happy sharing my life with them without sharing my home and that suits them too, to
have their own space. It's the best of both worlds for both of us. Maybe some day one of us will find someone who changes that opinion. Who knows? But I'm very much a live for today kind of person. I could be dead before that happens, so why worry about tomorrow. That said I dont think that would be the case for everyone, or maybe not even the case for me some day, just for now. I have a couple of friends who have widened their choice as they go through life and got less and less fussy about what they're looking for. Who's to say who's right. They need to have someone more than me. I guess they are willing to give up on some of their expectations or principles. I just want the whole fairytale or nothing. Maybe someday I'll get lonely and change my mind. Sorry babbled on and don't think I answered the question. YES, I think you can control who you fall in love with...maybe not who you love but definately who you let yourself fall IN LOVE with. At least I CAN. It's just a protection I've built up over the years. It's not always easy but it can be done!

I have no clue to be honest! I think you can feel just so much upon meeting someone. And then get to know the person and those feelings grow and grow. I have never been one for love at first sight. I know people have spoken of it, but just not for me I guess. I was always careful. It's easy to fall for someone but it was never love for me. I think that love grows each day until one day you realize that you can't live without the person, that the other person is such a big part of your life and you cant imagine life without that person. I think love is easily said and then felt a way down the road. As for can you control love, well I think you can control how you feel to a point. I mean you can control how you feel towards someone; you can control how you react to a person; and weather or not you act on feelings towards that person. But can you control the act of attraction. I dont think you can. You can be attracted to someone and want that person in many ways, but I think you can control yourself and realize that just because you are attracted doesn't mean you have to do something about it. So, yes, in ways I think you can control love by controlling the action you take.

I think you can love someone even when you know deep in your heart that it is a destructive love.

Love can be based sometimes on what we want to see in another person. It is obvious that we can love the presenting self of another because we are not going to love someone that is mean and nasty.

My personal feeling is that love grows over time. First comes the sparks and the lust and what we think the other person is about. Then as we get to know the real deep down person the love grows. Another thought is that love grows over time and I think it dies over time too. We just don't wake up and decide that we are going to stop loving someone. However, I think there is a time when we decide we can't do this anymore for whatever reason.

There's attraction, spark's fly, I'm in lust! Real love, lasting love, true love, takes time to develop because it's based on knowing someone, on who they really are and not the chemical drip, drip, drip. The chemical drip, drip is lust - what causes us to be attracted to someone and perhaps want to fall in love. Factors like experience and personality and wisdom probably predispose us to making certain choices in partners. I don't think we can "control" how we feel but we can control how we act on how we feel. As experienced adults we should also learn to recognize the difference between that chemical drip, drip, lust and true love. True love is rare, doesn't come quickly, easily, or often, nor does it go away any more easily or quickly. To think that it does minimizes the value of love. Lust, however, dies just as quickly as it blooms - and often, just as hotly. It is like the difference between diamonds and cubic zirconia. Although they can be easy to confuse because both appear to shine so brightly at first, only one is really valuable and long-lasting.

The reaction of sparks, etc is most likely a chemical reaction in our brains and bodies. We are attracted to the feelings generated by the nearness and association with someone else. True love builds over time as we nuture and cherish those first reactions of attraction. Controling those feelings is what separates humans from the other animal species. I may be wildly attracted to a movie star, but reason and control keeps me from stalking that person. We can do the same thing when it comes to a coworker or the neighbor's husband. (Examples of other inappopriate alliances). I accept that many people feel compelled to act on their emotions without compromise. Perhaps a great many of these folks have found a truer sense of happiness by not allowing social mores to dictate their lives. However, the same "must act without compromise" may also lead us into relationships that are harmful and destructive. Abusive, co-dependency, lack of commonality, etc are types of relationships that often damage us in the run of its existence. To love unconditionally does not prohibit us from protecting our very lives. Love from afar until your brain agrees with the other parts of your body.

Chemical drip=Lust. At least at first. Sometimes that's all it is in the end, but REAL LOVE only comes after a long time of getting to know one another inside and out, chemical is a small part of it, nice, but still a small fraction. I believe you can truly love a person heart and soul, because of who they are all the way around, but I have to admit, I'm not so sure I believe in the whole "In love" thing.

The key word here is ATTRACTION. This is the hardest thing to keep going in a relationship. It is OFTEN mistaken for love, because the feeling is so strong when it hits you. Not many can tell the difference. The problem with this is society has made it too easy. we have been conditioned to walk away when we are no longer "happy." As a rule, nobody works at relationships the way they need to be worked on. The main reason is attraction. It is THE single most powerful emotion. When attraction dies so does the relationship. People get complacent. Life happens. Change is eminent in a relationship as it gets older. The challenge is to keep it from changing TOO much. The one thing to keep in mind when experiencing 'love' -- keep your head and don't rush into anything. Regret is a definite possibility. Otherwise, I believe true love happens ALL the time. It equals unconditional love. Sacrifice is the real expression of true love. Most of us hold true to this for our families, children of course (probably more so for them than anyone else we know), and some friends that have come along the way. It happens every day, because there is no thought of danger to oneself, when someone you love is in the path of danger, you just react. Anyway, love, true love, unconditional love, they all usually take time to develop, because people in general do not trust that easily. Trust must be earned. With trust comes the reward of love. So the lesson here is to know the difference, between love and attraction, very hard thing to do, even knowing that there IS a difference doesn't make it any easier to distinguish the difference.

Rather simplisticly put, the chemical drip makes one desire the long lasting effect. True love deepens and grows over time. With care and nurturing both should last.

Love has several different meanings in the English language, from something that gives a little pleasure ("I loved that meal") to something for which one would die (patriotism, pair-bonding). It can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion or an emotional state. In ordinary use, it usually refers to interpersonal love. Dictionaries tend to define love as deep affection or fondness. In colloquial use, according to polled opinion, the most favored definitions of love include the words:

Life - someone or something for which you would give your life.

Care - someone or something about which you care more than yourself.

Friendship - favored interpersonal associations or relationships.

Union - a synergistic connection, as in the perfect union of two souls.

Family - people related via common ancestry, religion, or race, etc.

Love might best be defined as acting intentionally, in sympathetic response to others to promote overall well-being. Or to put it simply, "love responds intentionally to promote well-being." Love promotes overall flourishing, but often focuses on those close at hand. Probably due to its emotional primacy, love is one of the most common themes in art. Cultural differences make any universal definition of love difficult to establish. Expressions of love may include the love for a soul or mind, the love of laws and organizations, love for a body, love for nature, love of food, love of money, love for learning, love of power, love of fame, love for the respect of others, et cetera. Different people place varying
degrees of importance on the kinds of love they receive. Love is essentially an abstract concept, easier to experience than to explain. Subsequently, there are various forms of love:

Courtly love - a late medieval conventionalized code prescribing conduct and emotions of ladies and their lovers.

Erotic love - an aesthetic focused on sexual desire.Free love - sexual relations according to choice and unrestricted by marriage.

Platonic love - a close relationship in which sexual desire is non existent or has been suppressed or sublimated.

Puppy love - transitory affection felt by a boy or a girl for another in a romantic way.

Religious love - devotion to one's deity or theology.

Romantic love - affection characterized by a mix of emotional and sexual desire.

Unrequited love - affection and desire not reciprocated or returned.

Throughout history, predominately, philosophy and religion have speculated the most into the phenomena of love. In the last century, the science of psychology has written a great deal on the subject. Recently, however, the sciences of evolutionary psychology, evolutionary biology, anthropology, neuroscience, and biology have begun to take center stage in discussion as to the nature and function of love. Biological models of sex tend to see it as a mammalian drive, just like hunger or thirst. Psychology sees love as more of a social and cultural phenomenon. There are probably elements of truth in both views - certainly love is influenced by hormones (such as oxytocin) and pheromones, and how people think and behave in love is influenced by one's conceptions of love. Hence, from time immemorial, science, from naturalistic poetry to MRI neurochemistry, has since debated over the nature of love.

In 1992, anthropologist Helen Fisher, in her book "The Anatomy of Love", postulated three main phases of love: lust - an intense longing. attraction - an action that tends to draw people together. attachment - a bonding progression. Generally love will start off in the lust phase, strong in passion but weak in the other elements. The primary motivator at this stage is the basic sexual instinct. Appearance, smells, and other similar factors play a decisive role in screening potential mates. However, as time passes, the other elements may grow and passion may shrink - this depends upon the individual. So what starts as infatuation or empty love may well develop into one of the fuller types of love. At the attraction stage the person concentrates their affection on a single mate and fidelity becomes important. Likewise, when a person has known a loved one for a long time, they develop a deeper attachment to their partner. According to current scientific understanding of love, this transition from the attraction to the attachment phase usually happens in about 30 months. After that time, the passion fades, changing love from consummate to companionate, or from romantic love to liking. Similarly, according to psychologists, many see love as being a
combination of companionate love and passionate love. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate). Companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal.

In the February 2006 issue of National Geographic, Lauren Slater's article "Love: The Chemical Reaction" discusses love and the chemicals responsible. In it Slater explains some of the research in the area. The conventional view in biology is that there are two major drives in love - sexual attraction and attachment. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on the same principles that lead an infant to become attached to his or her mother or father. According to Slater's research, the chemicals triggered responsible for passionate love and long-term attachment love seem to be more particular to the activities in which both participate rather than to the nature of the specific people involved. Chemically, the serotonin effects of being in love have a similar chemical appearance to obsessive-compulsive disorder; which could explain why a person in love cannot think of anyone else. For this reason some assert that being on a SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and other antidepressants, which treat obsessive-compulsive disorder, impede one's ability to fall in love. The long-term attachment felt after the initial "in love" passionate phase of the relationship ends is a result of chemicals such as oxytocin. Things like massaging and "making love" can help trigger oxytocin. Moreover, novelty triggers attraction. Thus, nerve-racking activities like riding a roller coaster are good on dates. Even a person working out for ten minutes can make that person more attracted to other people on account of increased heart rate and other physiological responses.

Main bonding chemicals:

Oxytocin - bonding molecule (hormone): high levels correlate with strong pair-bonding.
sometimes called the 'cuddle chemical'. levels rise during kissing and foreplay, and peak during orgasm.

Vasopressin - monogamy molecule (hormone) responsible for creating intense loving memories during passionate situations. responsible for clarity of thought and alertness during passionate situations.

Endorphin - calming natural pain killer levels increase in response to touch, pleasing visual stimulus (as a smile), or after having positive thoughts. thought to be the main attachment chemical in longterm relationships.

Related bonding chemicals:

PEA - amphetamine molecule (neurotransmitter) speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells. keeps one alert, confident, and ready to try something new.

Dopamine - desire molecule (neurotransmitter) levels increase as passion levels increase.
elavated levels are associated with romantic love.

Serotonin - stability molecule (neurotransmitter)

DHEA - most abundant hormone increases sex drive and influences who one finds attractive. levels increase to three to five times that of baseline before and during
orgasm.

Prolactin - motherly hormone (stops female sex-drive)

Testosterone - masculinization hormone (high testosterone-laden males tend to bond with high estrogen-laden females) levels drop in men who are involved in long-term monogamous relationships. functions as the main sex drive hormone for both men and women.

Estrogen - feminization hormone (high estrogen-laden females tend to bond with high testosterone-laden males)

Androsterone - a pheromone attractor

Squalene - a pheromone repellant (stops male courtship behavior in snakes)

Progesterone - reverse sex-drive hormone

Norepinephrine - elevated levels are associated with romantic love.

The concept of love, however, is a rather debatable one. Some deny the existence of love, stating that it is a recently invented abstraction. Moreover, approximately 13 percent of cultures have no terminology for the word love. Others maintain that love exists but is un-definable; being a quantity which is more spiritual, metaphysical, or philosophical in nature. In my mind, "love" is simple biochemistry with a touch of mysticism tossed in; smoke and mirrors. Regardless of your position, there's no denying the effects of love. Humans, being what they are, can't help themselves; they will make the same errors in judgment repeatedly, and continue to fall in "love".

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