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How to Find Out About a Person Without Getting Involved
with Alison Stonbely and Gregg Millett

In past discussion groups we’ve talked about first “coffee dates” and second “dinner” dates, as being the ideal situations in which you could find out information about a potential date without getting involved.
We talked then about the importance of trusting your instincts, being realistic and not romanticizing the characteristics of the person you’re on a date with, and really listening to and observing how that person is not just with you, but how they behave towards the waiter or waitress and other people you have contact with. Some of the advantages of these two situations for dates was that you were in a public place and can arrive in your own car, a point that’s of particular importance to women for safety when they don’t know someone very well. There should be a time limit to both these dates.

So how else. you might ask, can you find out about a person without getting involved? Well obviously Monday Night Live and many of the other Singles Outreach programs provide this type of arena. Joining a group or club you have an interest in, a hiking club, skiing, literary club or whatever, could provide an opportunity to not only pursue an interest, but also to observe and get to know someone who could be a potential date.

A recent issue of a Cosmopolitan Magazine had the following title for an article -- 55 things you can learn about him in 10 minutes. This will surely give us insight into how to find out about someone without getting involved!

Some of the information was interesting, looking at what you can learn from: grooming, birth order, driving techniques, if he looks you in the eye, favorite sports and TV shows, his communication styles, what he orders at a restaurant and how long he’s been hanging out with his friends. Also, what underwear he/she wears, if he/she always initiates sex and his/her sexual style! Don't know how you find these last qualities out in ten minutes, but there it is.

We'll work together to see how much information we can get about someone without getting involved.

QUESTION ONE: What are the advantages of finding out about someone before you get involved as opposed to getting involved first?

QUESTION TWO: What places or avenues have you found are good arena’s for getting to know someone without getting involved and what has been good about them?

QUESTION THREE: Are there things you can find out in ten minutes that would give you insight into whether you should or should not get involved with someone? If so, what are they?

QUESTION FOUR: What, do think would be the advantages and disadvantages of deciding who you get to know, by reading profiles either on line through a dating agency or through a dating service like “Compatible Connections”?

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More E-Question Responses:

Well, usually I google their name, then look up their court records, follow them home from the mall (at a safe distance of course), "borrow" some mail from their mailbox.....oh, perhaps you weren't referring to stalking? Just kidding; couldn't resist.

I think if you keep the topics of conversation from becoming too personal its easier to continue to communicate and not become "involved". My husband is a people person. He is a great listner, gives good sound advice, and the people he "helps" he tends to care too much about. It has caused distress in our relationship (it seems too much like cheating at times) and its something we have discussed quite a bit. It's hard to not become involved when you share intimate details of your life with someone, its that danger zone that you have to watch out for.

Just casual talk at first. You can then, see if the conversation leads to something other than just talking. I mean see if you like what the person has to say then maybe go from there.

I'm a playful sort of person, one who can strike up a conversation anytime, anyplace, with anyone; I am the same way at work. If I notice a bit more attention than is warranted from someone, then I tactfully subdue the playfulness, and let them know in that manner. It saves a lot of egos and feelings. I'm a very exhuberant personality, it comes from being a teacher and working with kids, and being the mediator in family situations. It simply works for me.

I'm usually the one in the background listening and learning. If a person shows an interest then I will warm up to them providing they are honest & decent from the initial meeting.

Finding similar interests with people and just hanging out with them; that you can do without getting involved with them.

E-Question: What have you learned from your past experience as good ways to get to know a person without getting involved?
Send your response to Gregg Millett

Having the Shopping Conversation in order to understand their values. What are they looking for in a person. Do they want to date casually or do they want a committed relationship. I'm often baffled by people who can't say what they want and it makes me think twice about meeting up with them again.

Casual conversation over a period of time with core value questions sprinkled in.

Close observation at all times, reading between the lines and taking off those rose colored glasses!

I'd say go on a three-day camping trip and bring the pets and the kids. All the better if it's raining.

Group activities are a good place to get to know someone without getting involved. and you can often size a person up quickly to see if they're 'for you'
do they interact with others or are they a wallflower? Do they smile, are they engaging others? Did they care enough about their personal grooming? Do they ask about your interest or just talk about themselves? Are they indulging in too much alcohol? Are they aggressive or laid back? Most of these things can be determined in a brief conversation.

Body language speaks loud and clear without uttering a single word. It can tell you the level of biological attraction, politeness and the intelligence of the person being observed. Taking note of who she hangs around with is also helpful. But in the end, there is no substitute for getting involved. Just dive in!

Group Events.....the easiest, safest thing for certain! Tours, meetings, CHURCH, Charity events etc etc. When it becomes one on one, i.e. Date, involvement is a given.

Group events or movies and outings with another person. I think then you can decide if you want to start being with just that person..

Group outings and of course there is always e-mail.

I find it hard not to get involved with people, so the only way I am sucessful is to keep them at arm's length. Group outings and e-mail are good choices yet by the time I get to that point I have probably decided that that person is someone I would like to be friends with. I am talking about friendships here not romance.

Listening and talking in a safe, neutral populated place, i.e. group setting. Listening, listening, listening to how the person speaks to others, of others, and what others say back to them. Ibelieve there is good in everyone, but some hide it very well.

Online is a great way of getting to know someone without getting involved. I know I'm no different in "real life" than online, so basically talking with someone if I felt it was going to a place I didn't wish it to be I would be honest with the person that my interest was strictly friendship and hopefully that other person would accept that. If not then there would not be a friendship.

Just plain old talkng.

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