Dating: Risk and Caution
with Alison Stonbely and Eva Murphy
When you look at some of the risks of dating its amazing we ever date
at all!!!
These questions were asked:
Will they like me?
Will I get hurt ?
Will I make a fool of myself ?
Will they be manipulative?
If I let them buy dinner what will they expect in return?
Will they care as much as I do?
Will they play games?
Are they married?
If we’re friends first will we lose our friendship?
If we have friends in common will our friends get mad or will we lose
our friends if we break up?
How much should I share about myself and how soon?
Are they financially stable or do they see me as their meal ticket?
Are they emotionally stable or do they see me as an unpaid councilor?
Are they safe?
Will they be physically or verbally abusive?
Will they stalk me if we break up?
Are they interested in all of me or are they just lusting after me?
Do they have a scary secret I couldn’t handle?(Are they an alcoholic,
a cross dresser, bisexual etc.?)
Will they be a control freak?
Are they who they say they are?
Groups added the following: anxiety about past relationships, fear of
stalking, feeling like a meal-ticket, fear of abusive person, fear of
dishonesty, anxiety about expectations, saying something stupid on a first
date.
We then had four role-plays of 1st dates at a restaurant (with discussion
after each role-play.
1st Role-Play: He was welcoming for about 10 seconds then drank from a
pocket flask, used a curse word in the context of a negative tone, offered
to "spike" her soda, and dominated the conversation. She was
basically in shock. Conclusion: two thumbs down. No one would accept a
second date with this guy (and cut the date short).
2nd Role-Play: Early question about kids and marriage. She needed someone
to fix the house. He forgot his wallet and pulled out a cigar. She held
his hand and wouldn't let it go. He drifted from the conversation and
seemed interested in every other girl in the place. Conclusion: two ships
passing in the night without lights.
3rd Role-Play: Quiet conversation between the parties. He doesn't care
for children. Her ex. is possessive and stalks her. Conclusions: too much
information, too fast. They had some rapport and good eye contact. She
was too aggressive. Maybe they cancel out each other's Red Flags and may
have another date.
4th Role-Play: He showed up late and brought flowers. He made a point
of how much he paid for the flowers and made other references to the cost
of things. He made a reference to younger women and complimented her on
her good looks. She says that she does like jewelery and takes his hand.
Conclusions ??? -- this "date" was getting interesting but was
stopped for discussion.
Some points of view:
It's surprising we date at all!
Always take separate cars.
Be sure someone knows where you have gone.
If you choose a movie, know a little about it.
Make a first date simple.
Don't overlook warning signals.
You better learn early on (1) where they work, (2) where they live and
(3) get a trusted personal reference on the person.
You have to take some risks; you have to risk to be successful.
Go slower!
Do things together.
Get to know a person in different contexts including social.
Good communication is essential.
E-Question: What
do you see as red flags when you first meet someone?
Send your response to Gregg
Millett
Ok - here are my red flags.....
1. Excessive Alcohol use
2. Any illicit drug use
3. Negative outlook and "depressed" because nothing is quite
right for him
4. Anyone looking for a "mom" to take care of him.
Perpetual bachelors...you know...the guys who are well into their 40s and 50s and never married. They seem to have everything, but they really don't want you in their lives. They seem to be the most dangerous because they are good at playing the game, but they never will commit.
A person who cannot look you in the eye.
My red flags... when they are too anxious for a commitment or sex, too controlling or exhibiting signs of jealousy. I learned the hard way to pay attention to the signs of men who are controlling and possibly abusive. I also run from men who are needy and dependent. I want a partner, nothing more, nothing less.
Red flags for me are:
Pining away for a past relationship.
Eyes darting all over the place rather than on me.
Dressing poorly.
Early signs of being "high-maintenance".
Being an atheist.
Having too much baggage.
Being an "owl" rather than a "lark".
Being uni-dimensional.
Not being self-sufficient nor somewhat self-confident.
Not being somewhat of a homebody.
Having children still at home.
Too "crazy" about her pets.
I would have to say that what cause the red flags to go up for me are: (1) Problems / situations they mention they are having with their children… especially children in their teenage years (you see, I have just been through those years, and I don’t want to relive them or be troubled with/by them ever again. I just don’t want those distractions in a relationship. I want the excitement of a loving relationship without the responsibilities of children and all that go along with them for a change. (2) Another red flag goes up should the other person start talking about their finances or lack of them. I am not just looking to end up in a relationship with a very wealthy man (although it would be nice), but I would like to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t have to be concerned constantly with their checkbook balance. I would very much like to be spoiled a little with flowers and candy and even a gold bracelet or necklace once in a while. I have never had this experience… only observed it; I think I would like it ... I KNOW I would like it!
Red flag (greatest influence first):
Smoking.
Putting down others or myself .
Not listening to what I say, especially if the person is trying to fit
me into a negative stereotype.
Extreme attitudes.
Tons of makeup.
Stories of what happened to the last guy, deserved or not (there is a
possibility of undeserved wrath).
If someone repeatedly inquires about/discusses some aspect of MY personal comfort/wellbeing/thoughts. I typically think this kind of person is either very insecure or a control freak - neither with which I am interested in getting closely involved.
Red flags go off: When he is over fifty (50) never been married and no children BEWARE.
Controling behavior, not employed, living with a parent, never had a lasting realationship, temper, jeaoulsy, anger, drinking problem, not willing to compromise.
Someone who just keeps talking without taking the time
to listen.
Nicotine rings on her fingers.
Inconsistent stories....
Excessive consumption of alcohol
Vague job description or worse yet...no job
Demeans waitresses or sales clerks
Temper
If they blame their previous partner for their relationship
going wrong. (It ALWAYS takes two too ruin a relationship!)
If they say they aren't looking for a serious relationship, believe them!
When every topic brings the conversation back to an ex..
One of the first sentences they tell you they are on Prozac.
A lot of sexual innuendos
They live with their Mom
You notice how many cans of beer are on the table and they are building
pyramids with them.
If they aren't gentle & kind with children & elderly
& pets.
If they are unaware of the existence of China or think Winston Churchill
is a rock star.
When they treat waiters, sales persons, and others rudely.
First of all, if the other party can only talk about self, I'm outta there. Second, if the focus is on money or material possessions, I would tend to believe that the person would think of a partner as a possession. Third, if a person can't stop looking at my anatomy or keeps referring to sex. Most importantly though I trust my gut instinct.